Kissing Coffins (Vampire Kisses #2) by Ellen Schreiber

1 Star

     Maybe 1.5 stars this time because Raven actually went out and did something productive for once. I won't even bother to rate this one in the traditional way I do because it's so bad.

     Honestly, if you read this series it will make every other "bad" book you've read look pretty good. First of all, shout out to my friend, Taylor for making me buy most of the book series for like $6, (are they even worth that much?), because it might be the worst decision I was forced into.

     I have the first book on my Kindle and so I was really upset when I couldn't do the highlighting thing anymore. Let's just say I used up an entire pad of flower-shaped sticky notes to fill up this 220 page book with my thoughts on how terrible it was. I'd post a picture, but just take my word on how pretty and blue it is. 

     In this second installment of Vampire Kisses, Alexander has disappeared and Raven is distraught over this new arrangement because good Lord her boyfriend isn't around 24/7. I mean, I gotta hand it to Raven in this one, she actually goes out and tries to find him, unlike our favorite heroine Bella Swan. She travels out of Dullsville (real name of town, unknown) to Hipsterville (also real name of town, unknown), to find her true love who I'm pretty sure she's known for like two weeks, but it doesn't matter because it's true love, right? She stays with her aunt and blows her off at her play because that's the kind of jerk move Raven likes to pull and goes off to the Coffin Club where she's in heaven with all kinds of goths that aren't judged. 

     This is where she meets Jagger (who's automatically in love with her, too?) And you know, Jagger's super sexy and tries to seduce Raven. (This isn't surprising because everyone is in love with Raven). Anyway, the whole book is super anti-climactic. There was all this build up to when Jagger was going to claim Raven as his own. I thought there was gonna be something else that happened, but instead there was this whole thing with Jagger threatening and Alexander cowering and Raven trying to be clever when she really isn't. 

     I just...this book was one giant mess. Not as big of a mess as the first one, but still a mess. On the bright side, I did keep a "combat-boots" and "blood red" tally and both were only mentioned twice in this book. Maybe the author got so many complaints on the first book by how much she used them and decided to mellow out a little bit. 

     Raven is still the one character I love to hate. Literally all we know about her is that she's goth and wears black and has a vampire boyfriend. She obviously has a deep and endearing personality. What gets me about Raven is that she talks about how she's judged all the time and how Alexander is judged all the time for being home-schooled and wearing black. AND LITERALLY ALL SHE DOES IS JUDGE EVERYONE AROUND HER. She also claims that she gets out of situations because of her incredible wit and somehow everyone in the world is duped by her. (WHICH IS TERRIFYING BECAUSE RAVEN IS RIDICULOUS). Some of her witty comments include, "If you don't let me go I'll scream," and "My father's a lawyer." All this to a VAMPIRE. Does she think a vampire will be fazed by petty human threats??

Now for my personal favorite part: Sentences.

1. "'You must know something, Raven,' Janice pried. 
(TO TELL SOMEONE SOMETHING ISN'T PRYING).

2. "Good Goth!" I whispered (A/N: emphasis on the exclamation point there). "The Coffin Club."

3. "Home-schooling exams."
(This alone is enough to take a star away. As a home-schooler we had to take the SAT's and 
ACT's just like everyone else. Home-school exams weren't really a huge thing). 

4. This is when Raven is asking Becky to go do something possibly illegal with her because that's what good friends do. 
Becky: "Matt asked me to watch his soccer game after school."
Raven: "You just started seeing him!" 
(This is where Raven gets the award for crappiest friend/biggest hypocrite. SHE'S BEEN WITH ALEXANDER FOR LIKE TWO WEEKS AND SHE'S ALREADY COMPLETELY UNDONE WITH HIM BEING GONE).

5. "I need a fake I.D." Raven says to her twelve-year-old brother who can apparently make convincing fake I.D's. Cool.

6. While at Hot Gothics (Hot Topic, anyone?) "'I'll just put these back,' I said. But then I thought about how sexy I'd look in boots and black fishnets, if I ever found (Alexander) again." 
(Lol. What? Raven is literally the most narcissistic character I've had the displeasure to read about).

7. "They were all eyeing me like I was a gothic Paris Hilton catwalking down a medieval runway."
      


8. When Raven's aunt asks about her boyfriend... "He's a goth like me!" "And he's delicious!" 
(Awesome descriptions, girlfriend).

9. "...he asked with sexy eyes."




10. "The black plastic spider ring I had given him was resting on his finger."
(Honestly, I just love how Alexander wears a black, plastic spider ring as a token of Raven's 
love).

11. "mercedeses" 
(The author is trying to make Mercedes Benz into a plural form. She goes with mercedeses. Not 
Mercedes').

12. "'I'm sorry I led Jagger to you,' I confessed."
(THAT'S NOT A FREAKING CONFESSION).

13. "Alexander pulled at his stomach."
(Pray tell, how does one pull at their stomach)?

14. I'll just summarize this part, but Alexander stumbles across Raven's garlic powder in her bag and he visibly gags, so what does Raven do? Yes, she holds it out to him so he can get a better whiff and *spoiler alert* almost kills him. Way to be Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.

I could put many more sentences in here to demonstrate why Raven is the worst character ever written, but this review has become long enough. Read this if you want a good laugh or if you just want a book to compare all other bad books to, it'll work either way.